I went out for a run last night and just let my mind wander and think. Probably helped that I didn't recharge my Garmin and the battery died right before I started, so I couldn't monitor my pace by that. Why on earth do I set myself up with these expectations? Who am I trying to prove myself to? When will I learn to just be proud of myself?
Then I came home and saw these comments that really made it all sink in:
from Syl ... "Do you think that 175 person you use to be was concerned about time."
from Marcelle ... "so stop asking hubby and belief in yourself. //////// I wonder if we ever get to the stage where we happy with ourselves."
from ajh .... "Give yourself credit for the weight you have lost, the exercise you do, the way you put yourself out there."
There it is ... I'm not happy with myself. But partly because I'm putting huge expectations on me, maybe more than I may ever be capable of. Rather than face that reality, I just get disappointed and I don't try enough to just be the best ME I can be.
And talk about reality check! Would the 175 lbs person I used to be be concerned about time? Absolutely not! When I started running (a mere 2 yrs ago) it was a victory to run for a minute. When I got to 5 minutes I thought I was amazing. And when I managed to run longer than 10 minutes I felt invincible!!!
Yet here I am now, fully expecting to break a PR every single time I run, and not by a little bit, I want to blow it out of the water. Like Syl said today on her post "The only thing I am wary of now is my body catching up to my mind, because my mind tells me that I can run the "boston marathon" but my body is saying "hold on Syl, you are getting ahead of yourself" :-)"
So here is me saying, "Hold on Heidi, you are getting ahead of yourself!"
I need to start viewing myself as I view others. For everyone else I'm jumping in joy over every little victory they accomplish. If someone just finishes a race or stays on plan with their eating for the day I'm super happy for them. I need to do the same for me.
My weight loss however is another matter and I have been sweeping it under a rug and trying not to think about it. The running is the easy part and the results come at this point. I'm struggling to lose (not gain) and so I'm just not talking about it. Not a good approach! I'm not putting near enough effort into it and I don't quite know why. I know that in a few short months it will be warm weather and I want to be comfortable wearing summer clothes. No, I want to look and feel even better than I did last year. I don't want to think about that damn belly roll anymore! I want it GONE!!! I work so hard at my running and my initial reason to start running was to lose fat.
I need to make ALOT more effort in my eating habits and ALOT more effort in true and actual weight loss. I'm going to redo my measurements (which I haven't done in quite some time) and start doing much better record keeping than this half-ass attempt I've been doing for some time now.
Now ... to find the measuring tape ... hhmmmmmmm!!!!!
Hope you're having a great day!