Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Turtle Vs. The Hare

As I mentioned the other day, at our race this weekend the 5K runners started before us and were about 3-5 minutes into their run by the time they passed the 10K start line.

As they went by I tried to picture in my head where I might fit in with the field (the things I do when I'm bored eh?).  I have absolutely no perception of what I look like when I run.  After about 3/4s of the runners went by I noticed the runners were alot slower looking and I leaned over to my husband and asked quietly "Do I look that slow when I run?". 

Now, to be honest, I kinda expected ... hoped ... that he'd give me an immediate "No!  Are you kidding?  You're much faster than that".  Probably alot of husbands/friends would give that reply, even if it weren't true.  But, if you haven't met my hubby, let me tell you he is a straight-up-whether-you-really-want-to-hear-it-or-not kind of guy.  If you've ever met him, you would already know this.  Don't EVER fish for a compliment because it may or may not come.  On the flip side, he is very open and forthcoming with his praise as well.  He always makes a point of telling me when I look good or that he's proud of me (which he often does both of).  You ALWAYS know where you stand.

Instead of the response I was hoping for, he kind of cocked his head to the side, raised his brows, and squished up his lips - and pondered!  Then said, "No, not quite, you're a little bit faster than that, but pretty similar".  He doesn't say this to make me feel bad, he's giving me his honest response.

It kind of threw me for a loop though.  Cuz seriously, when I'm out there (especially racing) I feel fast & light.  Kinda like this guy... (yeah OK, I don't really think I look like that ... probably a good thing too)

But, apparently it's a bit more like this....
And my finish times too would confirm that I'm not super speedy gonzalez.  I'm happy with my times, but let's face it, they're good for me at the stage I'm at, they're not ever going into any kind of record book.

As I think about my life, I realize that this lack of perception is a common theme for me and I beat myself up over it.  It's supposed to be a good thing when you can visual yourself accomplishing things.  A trick I've often heard is to think of someone who is really good at what you do, and visual yourself as them, aim to imitate their form/style.  Maybe I'm too good at that visualization, because I get in my head one thing, and when I see proof of what I really am, I'm left feeling disappointed.

A number of years ago I was riding horses and doing some show jumping.  I was doing fairly well at the local level, working hard and feeling pretty good.  So I had a friend drop over to take some pictures.  They were pretty horrid.  My position was all over the place and we didn't look anything like I thought we did.  Then a couple months later I saw a video of my riding and this completely confirmed it.  I was OK, barely, but nowhere near the image I had built up in my head.

I have the same problem with body image too.  Most of the time I feel pretty darn good about myself.  For so long I've had an aversion to being photographed because I hated how I looked.  But now, I'm mostly OK with it because I'm pretty happy with what I see in the mirror.  Yet, pretty much every time, what I see in the mirror is NOT what I see in pictures or on video.  Yet - it must be the camera or the photgrapher, because I don't look like that.  Sometimes it's even the mirror (must be the lighting).

I think this may be something that holds me back from putting in enough effort to lose more weight.  Yet, I still REALLY want to be thinner and I'm NOT content to stay where I am.  I know that I am right there at the top of my BMI (24) and probably more importantly, I know that I still have a layer of fat around my middle.  I'm definitely prone to the unhealthy apple shape.  When you plug in the whole waist-to-hip ration thing my numbers are too high.

Sorry for the downer post.  It just kind of snowballed and I've been rolling it around in my head all day (and debating whether or not I should actually push "PUBLISH POST").  Though, since you're reading this I guess I've come to the conclusion to be open and honest about my thoughts ....

Hope everyone is having a great day!


ajh said...

I guess I think it is okay to have a good image of yourself. It is healthier than a negative image as far as I am concerned. Give yourself credit for the weight you have lost, the exercise you do, the way you put yourself out there.

Syl said...

Heidi, I know these feelings so well but you know what I learned a lesson the hard way.

I give you this example as a mom, When I first had Matthew I would compare myself to EVERY OTHER MOM out there, if he was behind in one area of developement, it was my fault. If he didn't like the solids at 4 months it was MY fault. When he walked faster than any other child I didn't take credit for it, because he wasn't talking as fast as the other kids. I would literally beat myself up so much that it lead to post partum depression.

I know that you are a competative person, although I have never meet you I can read through the lines. But know one thing that you are an HUGE inspiration to so many including me.

Do you think that 175 person you use to be was concerned about time. Maybe but probably not. You have come so far and you yourself told me today that you are the mom that is in the best shape and I have to say I agree.

You may not be the fastest runner in the world but you are by far not the slowest. You are out there making your dreams come true and doing something you are passionate about.

Don't doubt yourself, keep doing what you are doing because you are fricken amazing!

Chin up girl!

Marcelle said...

You are fast.....from your times I know you are fast and one of those runners I will never be able to keep up stop asking hubby and belief in yourself...look at your times, they unbelievable.

I wonder if we ever get to the stage where we happy with ourselves. We have to stop comparing ourselves to the photoshopped models in magazines..their perfect bodies.etc...I know I am slim and still look and say...this could be better and so I go.
I think you're normal...try, I know its hard, try and love your body where it is at this moment in time while you work at perfecting it to how you want it to be.
I'm gaining weight, but still looking at my body and loving it and giving it thanks for being healthy..I would rather be healthy than thin anyday...the scare I got changed my perception of health and being thin....

Marcelle said...

What next?

Missy said...

I'm glad you were open and honest. Those posts that we all do occasionally are the real, vulnerable us. As much as I just want to encourage you and tell you how fast you do run, and how great you do look (which are both true by the way), I also know that we've all been there where we've doubted ourselves or not met our own expectations.

Step back - look at the big picture - and be SO proud of where you are today!!!! You are a rock star!