Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Controlling What I Can Control

Sometimes I wonder how much I can take.  Some of the crap I have going on in my life right now is of my own doing, the big stuff though is out of my control.  It just really sucks that these have to come about at the same time in my life.

As I've previously mentioned I have let myself get horribly behind in bookkeeping, both at home with my husband's business and at my work.  The home stuff I put off because I didn't know where to get started and I felt overwhelmed.  However leaving it didn't really fix that problem, because now it's so big I am overwhelmed.  Though I will say that it did help to give me some direction to figure out where we are headed ... but I shouldn't have left it so long.

And at work I sort of had a reason to put it off.  The company I work for has been in such a bad financial state for some time that we were so far behind in paying the accountant that they wouldn't even touch our books for the last few years.  But we've been chipping away at paying them and now I've left it too long and suddenly have a ton of work to do and looming deadlines ... which (surprise) I'm finding overwhelming.

Then there's the things I can't control, but that worry me more. 

A while ago I mentioned some serious health issues going on with a family member.  Early in September I got a call from my Mom that something was wrong.  Before long we got the diagnosis that she had uterine cancer.  This was a real blow, something you think just happens to other people, until you ARE the 'other' people. 

What I have learned is that there really is no routine screening for uterine cancer.  Your annual PAP tests do not detect it.  Typically it occurs after menopause and is more common in women who are obese or who have taken hormone replacement therapy (neither of which describes my Mom).

I found this online which I think woman should take great note of:

Obesity is another significant risk factor; the risk of endometrial cancer triples for a woman who is 30 pounds overweight and increases five times for a woman who is 50 pounds overweight. “Of all cancers, endometrial cancer is most strongly linked to obesity,” said Karen Lu, M.D., an assistant professor in the Department of Gynecologic Oncology. “Any obese woman who has irregular periods should have an endometrial biopsy.”

My Mom never took hormone replacement drugs and while she was slightly overweight years ago, she lost (I think) about 20 lbs and has kept it off for quite some time now.

Anyhow, a few weeks ago she had to have a full hysterectomy to remove the uterus and lymphnodes.  They did a very minimal incision and I was surprised at how well she recovered.  After the hysterectomy they ran tests to determine if they did in fact remove all the cancer. 

The reports came back that they thought they had got it all (they couldn't confirm 100%) but that the cancer was very deep in her uterus (though not in any lymphnodes) and they felt that she should follow through with chemotherapy and radiation as a precaution.

Yesterday was her first of three chemo sessions.  Again, she's doing alot better than we had expected and as of today hasn't felt sick (though they do expect that will come).  I'm just hoping that it isn't too bad for her. 

So all of this is weighing heavily on my mind as well.  My parents live about 4 hrs away from me, and at the moment there is a potentially snowy pass between us. 

Then yesterday afternoon, my husband had an accident with his excavator that easily could have killed him (involving downed power lines).  He was told that approx. 20% of the people in this situation get killed and that he's very lucky, which we are very thankful for.  However, this is a financial hit that our company really doesn't need.  I'm sick just thinking of what the total bill will come to.

Ya know ... I've never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but with all this going on it certainly seems to match up with the extra eating I've been doing lately.  Though yesterday I did track everything and stayed in my calorie range (though a bit higher than I would have liked).

I'm having such a hard time lately even determining hunger.  Last night I had a fairly light dinner and some pumpkin bread I made (sooo good) and then I felt sickenly full all night.  For the amount I ate I shouldn't have felt that full.  I even woke up this morning feeling like I'd just eaten 4000+ calories in a buffet.  There was no way I could eat breakfast.

I figured I would wait until I actually got hungry to eat ... but by 12:00 I still couldn't really detect hunger.  I ate anyway, a sub sandwich, because I didn't want to be ravenous late this afternoon.

Now I sit here feeling gross again.  My stomach feels all bloated.

I suppose the only thing I can do is take control of what I can control.  I CAN control what I eat.  I CAN control how much I exercise.  I CAN catch up on my bookkeeping to reduce my stress levels.  The rest I just have to have faith in....


Syl said...

Oh Heidi, that's alot for anyone to take! My goodness girl, I'm suprised you are still worried about eating.

I have often been told we are not dealt what we can't handle and I can't tell you how much i hate that saying!

The only advice I can give you is your own:
take things one step at a time, one foot infront of the other. it can only get better from here.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and hubby. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

Susan said...

Hang in there ! Things can and will get better !I agree with Syl, take a deep breath , and take one step at a time, one task at a time.

Lynsey said...

Oh my. That's a lot for anyone to handle. Just think, it can only go up from here. Good luck with everything and just take it one step at a time.

Tiffany said...

Yuck! That's the best way to sum it up really. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, most of which is rather unpleasant. I'm so glad that they think they got all the cancer. That's really positive news.

All you can keep doing is putting one foot in front of the other. I often feel stressed because of my husband's past cancer diagnosis. Someone once told me that all the worry in the world will not change the outcome. And while it sucks to feel helpless, it's the truth. Keep the faith. That's one thing that no one can take away.

Anonymous said...

Just as an aside note to my medical problems is that the first gyne told me that having diabetes type 11 is also a good indicator of getting uterine cancer, which you know that I have had for 10 years. I didn't know that fact! Anyway, dear daughter, I know you will get all the bookkeeping done and you are determined with your excercise and weight control. You are one determined cookie. It will all work out for you and for me. If you carry on like you are your chances of getting diabeties will be greatly reduced. It will all be ok We will make it through. WE ARE TOUGH

Jessica Strong said...

You are stress and sick to your stomach. Stop force feeding. You will make it through this, and your body will ask you for those extra calories when it's ready for 'em.

Find some peace in your day, be it a 5 min walk, pulling a square foot of weeks, or meditation. You will come through all this!

Fran said...

Heidi that's really a lot what's going on in your life right now. I know how you must feel about your mom, my dad had cancer.

Focus on the things you can control and the rest is prayers and hoping that everything will turn out right.

Missy said...

OH my goodness, I had the same full feeling all weekend even though I would hardly eat. It was bizarre. Maybe it's your bodies way of dealing with stress.

Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers!

Tamara said...

How sweet of your mom to post when she is going through what she is. You come from an amazing family Heidi. My dad had colon cancer 13 years ago. They did surgery within days of the diagnosis and then the chemotherapy route. It wasn't easy for him and it wasn't easy for any of his family but we pulled together and he came through it with flying colours as I'm sure your mom will too. If she's even half as tough as you are, she will be okay.

I feel for you Heidi. Sounds like the stress is getting to you physically. Keep eating small stuff even if you aren't hungry.

We're all rooting for you Heidi. You've got the right attitude. Control what you can control. (((hugs)))