I've got so much going on in my head right now. So many directions, so many thoughts. I've been trying to start this post all day. Writing and rewriting. Finally it's come down to a mixed bag of scrambled thoughts.
Some of this stems from the very recent discovery of a medical condition concerning a very important person in my life. Which of course is causing great concern even though I feel pretty optimistic about it, but it is also naturally leaving me reflecting upon my own life. Making me think about where I am, what I want, what direction I'm taking ... I don't want to live a life with any regrets.
Things are also so tight financially. We're at the bottom of the barrel climbing up, and at the moment we have a pretty good foothold, but man is it ever slippery down there. The business is taking off and I really truly believe things are going to look a whole lot brighter in the next year. But it's been a tough couple of years, SUPER tough. It's taught us alot, and I'm way stronger and tougher than I ever thought ... but sometimes you just get sick of it all.
Socially I suck! I am so desperately craving friendship right now. But seriously I can't see me getting anywhere with that at the moment. The friends that I do have, well, we seem to be taking different directions in life and I find I have less and less in common with them every time I see or talk to them. Maybe I'm wrong or picky ... but I really need some sort of connection with my friends. Maybe I'm just too deep in my own self pity and I'm reflecting negatively towards the friends I do have. I dunno...
I find myself hitting a brick wall everytime I try to think of ways to branch out. I'd love to get out and join in something that interests me, thus finding others who are interested in the same thing ... this however takes time & money - neither of which I have. Another idea would be to just put myself out there and meet up with people I know (or people I meet) ... again, time & money. Sure I can invite someone over for coffee/tea, but that gets old pretty quick. I want to go to the movies, I want to go shopping, for coffee, out for dinner... Besides, my days are seriously filled with: go to work, prepare meals, clean, exercise and tote around the kids where they need to go - with the very occassional crash on the couch to watch TV. I've been trying for over a year to meet up with an old co-worker. She's at the same stage of life that I am and trying to find a time that works for both of us is like trying to align the moon and the stars. Most of my current friends are also "couple friends", we only ever get together as couples, and my husband is insanely, stupidly busy trying to keep the company and us afloat that we rarely ever have the chance (or energy) for visits.
I'd love to have friends that I could work out with, especially if by some amazing coincidence their schedules fit mine. But most people I meet seem to think that I'm a little insane on that front (hmmm, am I?? I don't think so). Most people's idea of exercise is a casual slow walk around the block.
Anyhow, I'm sort of wallowing in self pity. Really I have an awful lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful family. I have a husband who adores me and always tells me how great I am. I have good kids that still give me a kiss every night. And despite my feelings of loneliness, I do have lots of people who care about me. I have my health. I have a good, easy, fairly well paying mostly secure job. And for the most part I have a fair amount of material possessions that many people don't have. So I need to stop feeling sorry for myself!
Enough of putting myself out there and all this downer negative talk. I saw this video today that, while really quite repetitive, made me laugh my head off. Have a peek if you need a good chuckle. It (and a nice chat with my sister) picked up my mood.
Tonight is a hair cut, super quick supper, and both kids to their sports - during which I will run and I think I may have to do the Shred video without the video part. It's pretty much memorized now. The other option is to do it at 10pm and I'd rather be crawling into bed at that point.