Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Scrambled Thoughts

I've got so much going on in my head right now.  So many directions, so many thoughts.  I've been trying to start this post all day.  Writing and rewriting.  Finally it's come down to a mixed bag of scrambled thoughts.

Some of this stems from the very recent discovery of a medical condition concerning a very important person in my life.  Which of course is causing great concern even though I feel pretty optimistic about it, but it is also naturally leaving me reflecting upon my own life.  Making me think about where I am, what I want, what direction I'm taking ...  I don't want to live a life with any regrets. 

Things are also so tight financially.  We're at the bottom of the barrel climbing up, and at the moment we have a pretty good foothold, but man is it ever slippery down there.  The business is taking off and I really truly believe things are going to look a whole lot brighter in the next year.  But it's been a tough couple of years, SUPER tough.  It's taught us alot, and I'm way stronger and tougher than I ever thought ... but sometimes you just get sick of it all.

Socially I suck!  I am so desperately craving friendship right now.  But seriously I can't see me getting anywhere with that at the moment.  The friends that I do have, well, we seem to be taking different directions in life and I find I have less and less in common with them every time I see or talk to them.  Maybe I'm wrong or picky ... but I really need some sort of connection with my friends.  Maybe I'm just too deep in my own self pity and I'm reflecting negatively towards the friends I do have.  I dunno...

I find myself hitting a brick wall everytime I try to think of ways to branch out.  I'd love to get out and join in something that interests me, thus finding others who are interested in the same thing ... this however takes time & money - neither of which I have.  Another idea would be to just put myself out there and meet up with people I know (or people I meet) ... again, time & money.  Sure I can invite someone over for coffee/tea, but that gets old pretty quick.  I want to go to the movies, I want to go shopping, for coffee, out for dinner...  Besides, my days are seriously filled with: go to work, prepare meals, clean, exercise and tote around the kids where they need to go - with the very occassional crash on the couch to watch TV.  I've been trying for over a year to meet up with an old co-worker.  She's at the same stage of life that I am and trying to find a time that works for both of us is like trying to align the moon and the stars.  Most of my current friends are also "couple friends", we only ever get together as couples, and my husband is insanely, stupidly busy trying to keep the company and us afloat that we rarely ever have the chance (or energy) for visits.

I'd love to have friends that I could work out with, especially if by some amazing coincidence their schedules fit mine.  But most people I meet seem to think that I'm a little insane on that front (hmmm, am I??  I don't think so).  Most people's idea of exercise is a casual slow walk around the block. 

Anyhow, I'm sort of wallowing in self pity.  Really I have an awful lot to be thankful for.  I have wonderful family.  I have a husband who adores me and always tells me how great I am.  I have good kids that still give me a kiss every night.  And despite my feelings of loneliness, I do have lots of people who care about me.  I have my health.  I have a good, easy, fairly well paying mostly secure job.  And for the most part I have a fair amount of material possessions that many people don't have.  So I need to stop feeling sorry for myself!
Enough of putting myself out there and all this downer negative talk.  I saw this video today that, while really quite repetitive, made me laugh my head off.  Have a peek if you need a good chuckle.  It  (and a nice chat with my sister) picked up my mood.

Tonight is a hair cut, super quick supper, and both kids to their sports - during which I will run and I think I may have to do the Shred video without the video part.  It's pretty much memorized now.  The other option is to do it at 10pm and I'd rather be crawling into bed at that point.


Syl said...

oh hon, if I could hop on a plane and come have coffee with you I would. Sorry your going through a rough patch, sometimes you are right we have to be grateful for what we have and live it just one day at a time.
hugs my friend

Anonymous said...

Smooches!! Glad I could help....even for a short chat. I'm on the same thought process as you for the most part. Gotta stay positive!!

Tiffany said...

Wow, feel like I could have written this post myself. I'm feeling a lot of the same stuff.

Things will get better. Of this, I am sure. In the meantime, we just have to keep our heads above water.

skinny me! said...

I'm sorry :( but if it helps I understand too. My friends are all having kids now so I'm finding things to be so different and a bit lonely. Plus I would be SO nice to have someone to work out with who 'got' the whole health thing. Wanna move to Toronto? lol...hey at least we have this :)

Tamara said...

I suffer from the feeling that everyone has this amazing social life and tight knit group of friends who they see all the time EXCEPT for me. I guess in reality, after we have kids, our friends get prioritized differently and before we know it, our circle has shrunk down to almost nothing. I could totally relate to everything you said. Being a single parent, I could especially relate to the time and money thing. I almost completely stopped going out when my daughter was the age to need a babysitter because I just could not afford it. And you can only impose on your family and friends so much.

Hey, if I lived closer to you, I'd love to hang out with you. I have a feeling we have lots in common. In the meantime, feel free to email me anytime you want. I keep in touch with some of my best friends almost exclusively by email. Sign of the times I guess.

And I don't think you're crazy for working out the way you do. I think that's awesome!

Missy said...

Sorry you're having a rough time right now. It's hard when money is tight and working out is a priority to maintain friendships. I'm really lucky to have found a friend to play tennis with (FREE!) and we cook dinner together at one of our houses so it's inexpensive. Without that friendship I'd feel alienated from friends.

For what's it worth if you lived in the Minneapolis area we could be work-out buddies. I'm sure you'd kick my butt!!

Dee Dee said...

Wow, It's scary how much I relate to your story and it seems I am not the only one. I did have what I thought was a close group of friends at one time but like you said we all found new interests and moved on.

Like they say some people are only in your life for a season.